Let Them Be

Sometimes when interacting with others we want to intervene with our own words and actions, telling them how we think they should feel or what we think they should do. Often times this comes from an unconscious need to feel in control and rewards us with a sense of safety and stability. We are uncomfortable with the other person's pain, so we want to take it away. 

I had this conversation with David (my partner) last night:

K: "How are you feeling, David?"

D: "I miss my parents."

K: "Well, let's call them."

D: "I know I can call them. I'm just letting you know how I feel."

This is a simple example, but think about all the times you try to intervene in someone else's life to "fix" their problems. Sometimes these people just want you to listen. Let them be. Give that person the love and the space they need to feel seen and heard. Only involve yourself in whatever way they specifically ask of you.

The Awareness Advantage

In the Biology of Belief, Bruce Lipton also explains that our bodies contain receptor cells which receive external cues from our environment; and effector cells which translate the information and produce a response.  Every signal produces a response and our survival depends on this process. In our lives, we depend on information to inform our actions.  When we are fully present, focused, observant, curious and asking questions, we are able to perceive and absorb more information from our environment and thereby make smarter, more life-affirming decisions.  It is true, as Viktor Frankl proposed, that between stimulus and response there in a space and in that space we have the power to choose; and in our choice lies our power and freedom.  In order to make the best choices for ourselves, we need to be aware of external stimuli and what they can inform us. As I am venturing out to new places, I will continue to ask the locals what to do and not to do; where to go and where not to go, so that we can experience the hidden gems and avoid the hidden dangers. In Nicaragua, we received a tip from a local fisherman to visit some natural pools.  Had we not asked him questions (built our awareness), we would have decided not to make the effort to climb over the many rocks to get to the pools or perhaps put ourselves in danger trying to go somewhere we didn't belong (informed our action). I believe that awareness is the secret sauce to a life well lived.

Overcoming Stability to Live a More Delicious Life

In his book, Bruce Lipton (Biology of Belief or "BOB") explains that all cells contain electrically charged molecules that attract or repel each other and in doing so, are able to perform the cell's vital functions. He points out that our cells are perpetually trying to achieve a state of stability. Just like our smallest building blocks, we (full humans) also tend to seek stability, forming patterns/routines/rituals that make us feel comfortable, sticking with what and who we already know.  Arriving at Popoya Beach, I felt a sense of hesitation and anxiety, which is crazy because I love the beach and the ocean and knew I'd have more time to do yoga, meditate, reflect, relax and otherwise take good care of myself.  I decided to investigate these rogue emotions and found that there was an underlying fear of discomfort hiding behind them.  David really wanted me to learn how to surf so we could paddle out together and I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to learn.  I was resistant to the discomfort that comes with the learning process, which, in the beginning, involves a seemingly endless process of trying and failing (repeat). Understanding this, I knew I would not let the fear of failure (not being enough) prevent me from the excitement of enjoying the beach and learning a new sport.  It has been said that if all babies quit trying to walk after falling too many times, we'd be a sedentary species. I decided to give surfing a go and loved (mostly) every second of my experience, surfing 2x every day while we were there.  Change is difficult, venturing into the unknown is difficult, learning something new is not easy.  However, if we don't push ourselves to go beyond our boundaries, we will miss out on some of life's most exciting experiences.  Think about vinegar and oil. Bruce points out that they are oppositely charged and therefore don't mix well together until shaken; and how much more delicious our salads are because of it. I encourage you to go out and explore, do something different, try something new, so that you can venture toward living a more delicious life.

Stepping into My Power at Inanitah

When I arrived at this eco-community, I initially felt intimidated by all the beautiful, smart, talented and powerful women I encountered.  I felt like they all had so much to offer in terms of life experiences and skills/talents/abilities; and I questioned whether I had anything to contribute in return.  My instinct was to hide, shrink away and wallow in my feelings of shame and inadequacy.  However what I learned from my experience and those young women is that I must show up confidently and authentically as my own, unique self to be able to share myself fully with others.  I am me and no one else is like me.  The world needs what I have to offer and I do a disservice to myself and to those around me when I shrink and play small.  I choose to love and honor myself.  I choose to step out boldly in to the world and offer the best of me.  I don't have to be all things to all people.  I must focus on what it is (my unique strengths) that I have to share.  I don't need to look around me and measure myself up against others.  Your gifts are uniquely yours; and mine are uniquely mine.  We all are better off when each of us is shining our own light as brightly as possible.  The strength of our global community depends on the well-being of each individual.  It is my duty, honor and privilege to cultivate my best self in service to our world.

Learning and Growth from Nicaragua to Colombia

We've arrived to Colombia to start the next chapter of our journey.  I've only had this morning to explore but am already falling in love with the people, weather and simple living.  I have been mostly disconnected from technology while I was in Nicaragua, but I still have so much to share about my experience living in an ecological healing center, learning how to surf at a remote beach, all the while reading Bruce Lipton's book, The Biology of Belief, which explores the scientific explanation of how our physical health (and environment) is ultimately shaped by our unconscious beliefs.  I would like to share my reflections in case anyone else can relate and benefit, but it's a lot of ground to cover, so I'll break it up into chunks.  I'll explain more about how I learned to defeat my self-doubt to show up as my most powerful self; practiced self-awareness and curiosity to go beyond fear, embrace adventure, while also staying safe; the science behind polarity and the law of attraction; and more.

Self-love is a Journey.

A lesson I have been working on for some time now is self-love.  It is quite easy for me to love and see all the goodness in others.  It is easy for me to believe in their positive intentions and acknowledge that they are trying to live this life as best as they can; to be the best mother/father, brother/sister, husband/wife, daughter/son, employee, community member they can be.  It's easy for me to have compassion for those who are struggling, recognizing that we all just want to be safe, happy and free.  I can see all of that when I look around me.  But, do I always see that in me? 

When I hear others say it is difficult to love themselves I normally think, "What? C'mon? How can you not love yourself?  What do you wish for yourself if not all things positive?"  However what does "loving yourself" really look like in thoughts, words and actions?  Sure I want happiness in my life.  Sure I want to be safe and free from harm, living in a country that affords me the freedom to live in the way I choose.  Sure I want to feel content in the work I do and loved by the people I surround myself with.  These are all wonderful things to want for one's self, but how can I take it a step further?

Can I sit in silence not wondering what others are doing and thinking about what more I can do to be productive?  Can I just let my body relax and enjoy rest?  Can I scroll through social media and not feel "less than" others?  Can I hear all about all the wild adventures and impressive accomplishments that others are experiencing and delight in these stories, feeling inspired, without projecting back a feeling of unworthiness or inferiority or "not enough-ness" on myself?  Can I close my self-help books and stop striving to incessantly be or do more?  When the day gets away from me and I don't get all the boxes checked off my to-do list, what thoughts occupy my mind?  When my life isn't shaping up exactly as I had expected or hoped for, what is the self-talk I feed myself?  Can I show myself some compassion and understanding; and truly believe that I am doing the best I can?  Can I trust myself and my capabilities, feeling secure that however things turn out, whatever curve balls life throws my way, that I will be able to figure out a way forward.  Do I have the courage and confidence to live boldly and authentically, not letting anyone else's definition of success distract or trick me into being something else?  This is self-love; and it's an on-going journey.

Whenever in my life I have tried to "be good" and do the things I was told I should do in order to be "successful," I was unhappy, stressed out, unhealthy and felt lost.  Following those valleys were peaks when I have thrown caution at the wind and pursued my heart, such as when I turned my finance major into the study of social/economic justice; when I decided to go to the Peace Corps; when I left corporate finance to work in higher education and study psychology, nutrition and mediation; and finally, when I left in March to travel around the world for a year with my partner.  These have been the times when I was actually listening and honoring my intuition; when I was trusting in myself and giving myself the things that my soul was asking for.  However, self-love isn't a straight and narrow path.  There are still many

times when my inner-perfectionist rears its way into my thoughts and tells me I should be doing more, and directs my attention outward to social media to see what others are doing. 

"I should be doing more.  I am not as talented, healthy, put together, driven, clever, etc., as this person or that person.  What am I doing?! Tighten the reins…work more, exercise more, eat healthier, be more kind and compassionate, push harder, write more, etcetera." 

I like to call this mental diarrhea the ode of "not enough."  However, I am catching on.  I am becoming faster and more skillful at recognizing the storyteller in my head and then letting her know that while her stories are super creative and entertaining; and they remind me of the things in life I value; they are only as real and threatening as I allow them to be.  I can have a sense of humor about it all and then turn my attention back to the present moment by recognizing everything right now that is meaningful and positive.  I can be grateful for my life, all the things I created and all the people and things that keep my heart so full.  And, I can recognize with a huge sense of relief that I am, and we all are, forever a work in progress.

When we can be who we want to be, do what in our heart we know we’d like to do, say what we feel, even at the risk of falling on our face or being judged, then we know we're on this path.

Pondering the Difference between Empathy and Compassion

I recently listened to an interview with Jack Kornfield, a well-known meditation teacher, and he elaborated an interesting distinction between empathy and compassion.  He said that while empathy allows us to feel each other's emotions, compassion triggers us to act on our empathy; not from a place of pity or egocentrism (to make us feel good about ourselves), but on the basis of shared humanity (we're a global family and all in this together). 

I have always been a bit sensitive to the pain/anger/frustration of others, and my response has usually been an attempt at compassion, but laced with pity and/or the assumption that I can and must solve the problem at hand (ego).  How would it look like for me to act compassionately based on Jack's definition?  What would it look like if we treated everyone as our immediate family, offering the same level of support we would offer our partner, parents, siblings, and etcetera?  How can you create space for your beloved to feel and process what he/she is going through and decide for him/herself what's needed for healing?  Sometimes a hug, ear to listen, or a word of empathy is the most compassionate thing.  Imagine if we could all make compassion our new way of living.